In the presence of people who do not drink, I never thought about drinking.
Jack London
Quitting drinking is difficult, but possible. Only a truly loving loved one can help in such a situation. Those who try to help an alcoholic to stop drinking, to save him to solve some of his problems (for example, housing), will not achieve anything. Love alone is also not enough to help get rid of the worst addiction, you still need to know what to do. Because it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a situation makes relatives, rescuing an alcoholic, create the wrong stereotype of a relationship with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism, and they themselves become codependent.
The traditional role played by the relatives of alcoholics, most often the wife, is the role of "babysitter". In the classic version, the "babysitter" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and others do not know about the problem of alcohol. It provides for the family, maintains order in the house, raises children, and this upbringing also has its own characteristics: children from an early age learn not to take "dirty linen in public places. "during overeating, the "babysitter" takes care of the alcoholic: she finds him in the places where he drinks and brings him home; aggression, often beaten and insulted, fed and washed.
During a sober period, the "nanny" can continue to patronize and please the alcoholic, hoping to protect him from drinking or, conversely, as if acting by burdening him with various deeds and obligations. In both cases, after sometime, another binge develops and everything starts all over again. Such a cyclical algorithm of relationships can exist for any length of time. different way. That is why so often the wives of alcoholics, when they remarry, again choose drunkards or drug addicts as their companions.
The general rule for all relatives, regardless of who is sick of them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - is not to do anything that contributes to the development of addiction. This means the following:
The drinker must solve his own problems.
Well, after creating them for yourself, let him decide. Otherwise, he will not have a barrier before the next drink, as he will hope for your help. Sometimes it becomes absurd: the husband has spent the whole "family dish" on drinking, there is nothing in the house, and the wife runs around her acquaintances, borrows money to pay off the debts of her husband, which he made while overeating.
When trying to save money, you don't have to call an alcoholic at work and say that he is seriously and suddenly ill. First, it is not good to cheat - do not set a bad example for children; second, after two or three such calls, no one will simply believe you and at least quietly laugh at you; and third, today you will save him from a simple thud that might have stopped him, and tomorrow he will drink even harder and eventually lose his job.
From our point of view, the situation when compassionate relatives buy alcohol themselves in order to make an alcoholic get drunk is completely unacceptable. With the same success you can offer a loved one drugs or some other poison.
treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
If, for example, a person has an abscess somewhere on his body, then you can hide it under clothes, pour deodorants so that there is no smell, create greenhouse conditions for a person so that he moves less and does not feel pain. As a result, all this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If, despite the pain, an abscess opens, the course of antibiotics "breaks through", although this is also quite painful, then there is a high probability that the person will recover.
You have to keep your promises, and if you can't keep them, then it's better not to keep them.
Alcoholics, quitters and drug addicts are very sensitive to where it is possible to achieve something and where there will be a definite refusal. In this respect, they are like children, and one often has to communicate with them as with children: where necessary, praise, and where necessary, punish. But none, even the most insignificant episode related to alcohol use, should go unnoticed, and, of course, the degree of "punishment" should correspond to the degree of "violation. "And don't be confused by the solid age and representative appearance of the "culprits. " Policies for healthy carrots and chopsticks often work well across a wide range of ages and social backgrounds.
For example, if a wife promises her husband that in case of another overeating, she will divorce him, and he will come literally "on the eyebrows" that evening, then at least the next day she must write a divorce declaration andThe application submitted to the Registry Office can always be withdrawn, but practice shows that such decisive actions make the husband think about his problems much faster than the numerous reproaches and broken promises.
Your attitude towards alcohol should be constantly negative.
Any consumption of alcohol, even the most minimal, even the smell of fumes, should not be left without your negative assessment. That doesn't mean you have to make plate-breaking scandals every time. In no case should this be done - such "discussions" will only lead to the fact that an alcoholic with a clear conscience will "relieve stress" and will be happy to tell sympathetic drinking companions what a bitch his wife is and that he drinks exclusively. because of her. Such situations should be discussed calmly, naturally - soberly, to analyze their causes and to draw real conclusions. It should look like this:
"Honey! "You drank again at a party yesterday, despite your promise not to. I was very upset because at the end of the evening you looked completely indecent, and coming back from you was just scary, you were behaving so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a very bad mood because of trouble at work and I decided to drink a little so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And next to me was the hostess's husband, who was constantly pouring on me, so I didn't have time to eat. And the vodka was probably of poor quality - I still have a headache. Probably why I overdid it.
- It seemed to me that if a person gives his word, then he must keep it! And it turns out that it's easier to break a promise than to say no when they pour you vodka!
"Understand. ". .
- I do not understand! Let's not be fooled! In the last year we have to talk about this more and more often - I think it's time to consult with specialists.
- You need - you and treat yourself.
- First, we both need it, and secondly, no one will treat you, we will just talk to a psychotherapist how to behave in some situations related to drinking.
Sometimes such a conversation is enough for a person with alcohol problems to agree to come to us, but more often he resists in any way, citing the lack of free time, the futility of this visit and many others. You must be adamant, and with each new episode of alcohol, insist on yourself more and more. In addition, if the conversations are ineffective, do not hesitate to use other methods of pressure that your intuition and knowledge of the nature ofBy the way, don't forget to periodically remind that in developed countries every more or less self-respecting person has his / her own psychologist, whom he / she meets periodically. as much as, for example, riding a hunchbacked "Zaporozhets".
All conversations with an alcoholic must have a specific logical ending.
Every conversation you have, every argument about an existing alcohol problem, must end with some constructive solution. Under no circumstances should you stop halfway and allow your patient's alcoholic self to once again deceive everyone and force them to postpone real anti-alcohol actions indefinitely. Because such conversations usually end with the alcoholic's promise. to give up drinking and everyone officially calms down. It is clear that after a while everything repeats itself again and so on - indefinitely. So if your drinking relative tells you that he has understood everything, he has realized, deeply regrets and will notbe more like that, take his word from him that if he still drinks at least once (no matter how much), you will go to a psychologist together.
When saving from drunkenness, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
The smartest thing a patient's relatives can do is also not drink or keep alcohol at home. Alcohol in such a house can be only in one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, brilliant green and the like). And although many of our patients, who do not drink for many years, feel completely at ease in drinking companies and are indifferent to alcohol, it is better to play it safe. The fewer provoking factors, the calmer. This is the first, and second, remember the following:
The situation is not very promising when an alcoholic, who is definitely not considered one, educates and tries to help another alcoholic, "more successful" in creating (along with the Green Snake) everyday and social problems. that calls for a sober life sound unconvincing if they breathe fumes on you, and the difference between a sick person and a similar "healthy" person is that the latter has not yet lost his job and his wife has not yet left.
Don't hide the fact that your loved one has a problem with alcohol.
This is not an urgent need to tell everyone about your husband's drunken antics. No, but you should not deceive anyone, you should not deceive by pretending that you know nothing. Under no circumstances should you deceive children, let alone force them to tell a lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people who have an influence on the alcoholic in solving the problem: parents, older children, friends, bosses, colleagues, will help promote the cause - do not hesitate to tell them everything and ask for help.
The conversation with the alcoholic must be essential.
It is not enough to say that he drinks a lot and often. For him, this is an empty phrase. You need to prepare in advance for a conversation with an alcoholic, especially if you are going to involve someone else in this. To do this, it will be useful to record the frequency of episodes of alcohol, the degree of intoxication and behavior in this condition. Simply put, you should keep a diary and preferably with illustrations. That is, if it is possible to film drunken flights on video, this should be done and you will discuss the moral and ethical aspects of such actions when saving a loved one for the consequences of a serious and incurable disease.
The alcoholic must receive objective information about his illness.
The drunk person unconsciously perceives all information one-sidedly: he hears and sees only what he wants, and what he does not want - he ignores it, not paying any attention to it. Naturally, only this information is allowed in the mind, which does not harm the friendship with the Green Snake. The role of the censor is played by that very alcoholic "I", the inner voice that sounds inside every alcoholic and in every possible way justifies, masks, adapts everything related to drinking to the norm.
In this regard, in order for all the negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the addressee, it is necessary to take a creative approach to solving the problem. You won't get anywhere if you stick all the walls with newspaper clippings and anti-alcohol posters. But if you happen to say that one of your common acquaintances, who by the way was a few years younger than you, is already in the afterlife and his next binge is to blame, an alcoholic may become pensive.
One of our patients "woke up" (in his words) after barely recognizing his school friend in one of the homeless people who were throwing themselves in the trash.
Don't forget to let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written so that it will be interesting for everyone to read.
Help the alcoholic's sober self.
Do not wait for the alcoholic to start changing his life stereotype, but actively (but not intrusively) help him in this. Take him to the cinema, theaters, sports grounds, take him out of town, meet him with interesting people. The alcoholic himself (if, of course, he is still socially adapted) often finds it very difficult to do so, as he is in constant trouble over time - the lion's share of his time is taken by the Green Snake. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he does not know from which side to approach them.